Today, it finally hit me that I’ve reached the point where I’m an actual adult. Classes are done, school is done- I’ve achieved my dream of donning a mortarboard, sticking a series of letters after my name (B.A) and I’m saying goodbye to the past two decades of living my life as a child.
With my car in disrepair, I took a taxi into work Sunday morning, and after going through the motions of 5AM small talk, my driver asked me; ‘So, what are you planning to do after university?’
I’m fortunate enough to not be in the situation of replying; I don’t know- but only in the sense that right now, my goals are either end results or intangible ideals like; ‘be happy’ ‘be more organised’ ‘less hypocritical’. I know what I want to have achieved before I turn twenty-four, twenty-eight, thirty—I just don’t know how I’m doing that, how I’m getting there.
Like getting to the oasis in the desert, only to realise you are in the place that the water and palm trees were- but the oasis is still far ahead, shimmering just off the horizon.
You know the future is really happening when you start feeling scared.
It feels like you’re about to leave a place, like you’ll not only miss the people who were there with you (in whichever manner) the routine and everyday minutia, but you’ll also miss the person you were then/are now at this time, at this place- because you’ll never be this person again, you’ll never be this way ever again.
“Writing, reading, learning, eating-”
I think, if I was asked now- what I’m going to do now, with my life and with my time- it would be this.
Whether I earn money in an office or a supermarket, knocking on people’s doors (never again) or being paid by the word, I’d like to strive for theses things to be constants, and my intangible ideals, less fear, more acceptance, more stability, maybe getting a cat- moving to a place where I can have a cat, travel.
“Writing, reading, learning, eating. Getting a cat, travel…loving life, loving myself.”